Monday, 20 February 2012

Become a Zen Master!

Are you without direction? Feeling the pinch in these austere times? Are you a bit spiritual? Then why not become a ZEN MASTER!?

In a serene, rural setting, our dedicated staff will train you in :

-Pithy sayings: never be at a loss for words again! plus bonus module "How to Speak with Silence"
- "The Story of Satori": constructing your spiritual autobiography. How was it for you? Sudden, gradual or a bit of both? Are you the happy go-lucky Master who lets it all hang out, or one of those real hard-arsed sorts who grunts and hits folk?
- Wabi Sabi: the Art of Being Happy with Absolutely F***-all
- Zen handicrafts, choose between: painting bamboo, painting with bamboo, painting at bamboo, making bamboo out of pottery, Fuzzy Felts Bamboo Forest Scene. NEW MODULE "Sewing incredibly complex black robe-things and loving it" available from Fall 2012.
-Haemorrhoids and How to Avoid!

We will help you to find your own distinctive style as a Zen master and to navigate these difficult modern times where most people couldn't care less about sitting for hours on a little cushion, and they're certainly not paying for it thank you very much.

Relax in a wide variety of accommodation styles:

The Boot Camp Temple Shack
"Are you an early riser? How about 3am? Is that early enough for you you baldheaded, spiritual wannabe puke stain?" This is the kind of welcome you can expect in our most popular and least fiscally damaging rooms. Sleep dorm-style on quaint tatami mats with no heating just like monks used to do! Gasp at the outdoor cold water wash facility! Laugh as you attempt to make one sheet of toilet paper last a month!

The Middle Class Retreat Cabins
Enjoy awkward early-morning exchanges and complicated dietary requirements in our Cabins. Featuring WIFI and a fully trained barista ready to sneer at your comical soy-latte-mocha combo. Later on participate in vague, well-meaning  discussions about science and politics with people who read about that stuff in the glossy weekend supplements. Oh, and there's a bit of meditation on buckwheat-filled zafus (gluten-free zafus must be pre-booked.)

The Crazy Wisdom Suite
Ooh la la! Hot tubs and mirrored ceilings await, you Tantric tiger you! In these surroundings, "anything's a teaching" what even that? Yes! Replete with fully-stocked bar, and a variety of attractive people in loose spiritual robes, this is the swingingest accomodation we offer for the real guru in you. Indulge, imbibe and enjoy!

All in all, we don't think you will find a more spiritual experience this side of the Sixties, so call TOLL FREE and book your place right away: you're just a phone call away from enjoying a new life as  ZEN MASTER!